Before tonight's show I left the theatre lobby bar already drunk and wandered into the parking lot. I was already signed in on the callboard so that was all well and good. But while doing 'ography in between two mini vans a homeless man approached me for a cigarette. I was obnoxious and he came at me, punching me in the shoulder. My face slapped the white mini van and I was down. He stood over me yelling curse words. I was so scared I just kicked my legs and prayed that would kill him. It made him angry but it got him to fall down... on top of me. Ew.
I pushed him off, stood up (still buzzing so I was wobbily) and ran to the theatre. But the building I thought was the theatre was a Dennys. I run in, drunk, with the homeless man's scent on me, yelling about two mini vans trying to beat me up in the parking lot.
This being Texas, two obese officers in cowboy hats stood up from their plates at the lunch counter and came towards me. I snatched the hat rack beside me and swung it up above my head, threatening to toss it at them if they came closer. The weight of the hat rack was no match for the seven gin and tonics I had in me, so it pulled me backwards and I fell down. They got on top of me, getting my hands together into a set of handcuffs.
I sat in the back of a squad car watching the homeless man from earlier laugh at me. The cops and my stage manager talked and I got released. They told my stage manager if they catch me again they'll arrest me. I believed them, and also believe their cowboy hats look gay as rainbows.
My stage manager, god love him, fed me coffee and a couple of his speed pills in the conductor's dressing room while he stood outside complaining to the company manager that his room is not "a holding room for drunks." I felt guilty for not drinking more, sobered up and did the show.
Now I'm in my room alone. I threw up twice, slid the tv off it's table, lit a newspaper on fire in the bathtub and called the front desk so many times for a large pizza they finally delivered it and didn't even charge me.
Next stop: San Antonio. Vroom vroom!