Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Where can I learn talent?

Living the dream.

It's 2am and I'm coming down off the shittiest high since two Christmases ago when I was at my Dad's house and I lit a fire underneath his bed scaring the SHIT our of his two cats. He still gives me shit about that, saying I owe him a new bed. He owes me a new childhood.

Did I ever tell you about how I got into acting? I was 311 pounds at 23 years old. No restaurant, gas station or truck stop would hire me, so I auditioned at Disney World for kicks and they freaking hired me. I'd never set foot on a stage and here I was doing 8 shows a day of "Mickey's Ethereal Brain Freeze" in front of the castle. 9 shows on Sundays.

Anyways, today was a busy day. I woke up at 6am to answer my fan emails, then showered and did eleven (11) tv interviews, 5 radio call-in interviews and an audition (set up by my agent) for "Square Pegs, the Musical." I read for the part of the gay substitute teacher, Mr Caftan. In one scene which was about gay sex, one of my lines was "Back in my day it was Crisco and crack. Butt crack, that is." (Insert laughter from the casting directors, God help them.) Why does my agent always send me out on the shitty projects? How come there's a national tour of "Mr Wizard, The Musical" going out and I didn't even know about it, let alone read for it? Fuck her. I need a new agent.

I met this hot chick in this coffee shop across the street from the theatre. We had a lot in common it turned out. She's from Iowa, she collects sheets and she loves Ted Turner. Me too! She slipped me a coupon for a free cookie. We're gonna pick cherries at this orchard tomorrow by her house.

Oh and check this shit: this girl in my cast told me my melisma was more Xtina than Mariah. I told the stage manager and she's going to talk with her.

Yawn ok going to bed. But before I do, say a prayer for me. I'm doing meth 30 minutes before the show tomorrow night! It's the 5th time I've done it but each time it gets a little harder. I should film it.



Summer said...

That't the trick to meth, you do it the one time and it's the greatest high ever. Then each time, it gets a little harder to get that feeling, so you use more.....etc, etc......Just rub a little on your labia and you'll be back in business. Just a lil' tip from me to you. *wink*

Mark Baratelli said...

Thank you Summer.