Friday, February 13, 2009

Hannah visits a Wal Mart

On all three tours I've done, I've picked up extra money whoring. I'll put ads online, I travel with my costumes (spandex don't take up much room) and I can usually do out calls without anyone finding out.

Ok well last night I was in an unnamed city and I'm in a Wal Mart parking lot dressed as "Hannah." She's a spunky Latina with a penchant for daisy dukes and penises taped to legs. I'm there to meet a guy in a red hat driving a Honda. Now the hotel is nowhere near this Wal Mart so I've already shelled out $12 for the cab that will eat into my profit. And I'm wearing my painful silver sling-backs with the angel wings on the toes. I got the angel wings at a Michael's craft store in Nevada when we had a day off and decoupaged them to the toe of the painful sling backs.

I'm down $12 and my feet hurt, so I'm already in a bad mood. Then? The cast bus pulls up right in front of the Wal Mart. I see my roommate. I told him earlier I was going for one of my long walks. My "long walks" are when I am meeting a trick. I see my roommate and he sees me as he's stepping off the bus. He points me out to everyone but its clear he doesn't know it's me. I mean, it's funny to see a drag queen in a Wal Mart parking lot pacing up and down aisles chain-smoking and wearing daisy dukes, high heels and a "Leggo My Eggo" humor tee, right? I get it. But then they all start taking photos. Dammit. I march up to them and yell at them to stop taking my picture. I just know they're all gonna put that shit on Facebook and then everyone will know I'm whoring.

Well, someone says it, as I'm yelling at them...

"Mark? Is that Mark?"

Oh shit. I run off back into the parking lot, heels falling off, wig still pinned to my head (I learned how to do 'good wig' from my last gig at a strip club called "Fudge Ripple") and these people are all following me.

I see the Honda and the red hat. Yes! $400 and a free meal at Taco Bell (I always demand the latter)! I go to open the passenger side door: he won't open it because 15 people are chasing after me. He pulls off and I fall on my knees and start to cry. Someone's cell phone rings. Have people never heard of vibrate?

The crowd of my peers slowly walks up to me and they ask me what I am doing. I don't know how to answer and continue to cry. One of them says "He's trickin." Most people sound confused as to what that means. I cry harder. I've known what that word meant for years. I;m not that innocent. The person who dentified my behavior as "trickin'" explains what its meaning to the group. They take a few steps back and turn to walk away to the Wal Mar. I watch them walk away, and with them goes my cover, my secret.

At the next company meeting I was going to bring up peoples' farting on the bus, but I know tonight get more focus.


summer said...

you get points for using the word "penchant".

Mark Baratelli said...

After I wrote this I thought, "Oh, another drag queen running with a wig falling off" story. I didn't like this one.