Friday, February 6, 2009

My Life

Before I go to bed at 2am with laundry in the machine on the 3rd floor, the (new) knowledge that the cast of the "Grease" national tour in our hotel is Equity and cursing out my slow-ass internet connection, I wanted to say that I have yet to hang myself, quit the tour or buy a cat.

This morning: I wake up with the underside of a bus seat in my face, I sleep for 5 hours on one side of my body while someone else's snores softly wake me up, I get my food from a Subway (sammich shop) in a food court with the Chinese-food sample lady walking around to tables passing her goopy-red goo-covered chicken bits to people ALREADY eating their goddamn food.
Yeah after I finish THIS plate of ass-food, Dong Ang, I'll walk over to your shit-stand and order a plate of Kung-Foo-Yong to eat in the car while I cry my way to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
Tonight: My dinner was a four dollar 7-11 sammich, I haven't paid my student loans/ROTH IRA/credit card bill in months and that girl I got pregnant (twice) is suing me for child support (for both of them).

Caught: I did the show drunk, again, and this time two people saw me swigging Jim Beam from my fur-trimmed carafe marked "Water" stage right behind the prop bin. I gave each of them a fifty and told them both if they said a word I'd accuse them of stealing wigs (which they did steal and I saw them steal them but they don't know it).

Yocals: Two locals got into a fist fight during my song and one of them pushed the other on stage on my lyric "Not without my pants." I smiled and pretended they weren't there while the stage manager walked RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME to the guy and pulled him off stage.

Family: My Mom told me she never said those things and went on to say, in her voice mail, that she drove my car into her pool and wasn't going to get it out until I came home and helped her mow the lawn. My Dad wrote me a Valentines Day card telling me he wants me to quit the tour and go into the Air Force. I told him I am too old and he said "That's what they have the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy." What?

And, to cap today off, this woman came up to me after the show and told me I reminded her "... of Liberace before he died of that gay disease."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some things are better left unsaid. That being said, I must comment on Liberace, my childhood tv idol. Everyone loved him and his brother, George. I am referring to all of my little playmates, who came to my house to watch him on tv, and all of their parents. Plus, he could play the piano, and I was a budding pianist.
In addition, my love of diamonds may have come directly from Liberace, thank god. Otherwise, would I have known that more IS better in regard to diamonds? Thank god for Liberace and tv in the 1950s. I still want a real-dead-mink full-length coat before I die, which may be at any moment if the PETA people read this.

Summer said...

I was going to say something, but anonymous beat me to it.