I had a bad night Thursday night. On a day I have one of my evening food events, I'm upset the whole day for two reasons: (1) the drive is always just about an hour and tests my anxiety to the limit every time and (2) I have no idea if people will show up or not. This all might be easy to deal with for someone without anxiety. For me, it's terrible.
So Thursday rolls around and the day was terrible. Low all day. Then I drive to the event. The drive was stressful. Cars behind me, cars in front of me, I'm just scared. I get there, and I start worrying if people will show up. They don't. 5pm no one is there. 5;45 a small crowd is there. But not the size I need. And the later I the night, it was solid.
But the ride home was just awful.
The thought of an hour long drive makes me so anxious I have to stop multiple times, get food, turn the radio stations, play podcasts, anything.
I had to stop at a drug store I was so anxious, and just sit there. And not drive. This was about five minutes. I cleaned up my car, got back on the road and felt a little better.
I use Facebook for business extensively. Let's get that out of the way. As the year ended, however, my personal use of the social network came into question. I felt myself going to it multiple times a day. Scrolling the news feed looking for something. I was really entertained with the notifications. If I had a lot, I felt good. But at some point towards the end of 2014, when I was reflecting on the new year about to hit me, I told myself that Facebook was a way to avoid, for me. Avoid stressful thoughts, avoid boredom, avoid anxiety, avoid working on stuff. It was a flat out addiction. I was using it for a purpose and that purpose was not entertainment.
I know e, so I didn't tell myself "no more Facebook ever." I deleted the app from my iPad. That's it. I can check it from my laptop.
What I experienced in doing this was huge. I found that I wouldn't go on Facebook only laptop even though it was readily available. For days. Then when I'd check it (scroll through the news feed and check my alerts) I'd see the most inane nonsense. What used to be a multiple-times-a-day read was now dumb crap.
I should also mention that during this brief period, I opened up my old personal blog and started using my personal twitter account more often. The thoughts I want to share belong in these two places. The blog is for me. The twitter account is for sharing. The blog, no one will read. It's not being written to make me look funny or smart. Neither is the twitter account. It's just me. I tweet repeatedly about moments of anxiety, about living with anxiety. That feels so important. To say I have it, to share moments of it, to get it out in the open so it's not a thing I'm ashamed of. That feels very good.
And this blog is a long version of twitter. Just me rambling. Unedited. Not trying to market myself.
I don't put pressure on myself to keep these two things up forever. They're working for now. For today.
Don't give me two glasses of wine and then tell me I am jealous of someone. Just don't do that. And to myself: don't drink the wine. And then a email goes around misconstruing a good business move. If you can't innovate, tear the competitor down.
Lots of time spent driving doing errands. Should have returned the newspaper for the crappy printing. Lost track of the priorities today. Lunch at some thai place. Lots of noodles and good blog conversation.
Shane found three cars for me online today and sent me the links
Therapy was good. My whole thing is negative thoughts about myself and interpretations of what's going on around me. I can create a new habit of recognizing them as not real. Will take a longtime because ive been in this pattern of thinking since I was a kid.
Worked 11am til 4:30. Work is slow but progress is made each day.
Hired new assistant to test for a month. New work schedule as well starting next week.
Had dinner with denna, Travis, Elaine and peter and Shane at the wing place.
Lady called me asking where she could find more copies of my newspaper. She found a copy at menello museum.
I made a joke about how we use tech right before bed and neebr have any sleep problems. Now I'm wide awake. Could be the latte I had at city arts factory and the diet coke I had at Tako Cheena. Caffeine.
I found this great quote in today's daily Fast Company e-newsletter. I like it.
"Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you're 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn't go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen." — Anne Lamott
Today sucked, I slept til 11:30am at my own apartment. I never sleep that late. I always get five hours of sleep and that's it. I'm grateful for one thing today: I got my paper designed last night and printed today. It takes more than one person to do it. And it took a week. But it got done. I'm also grateful to the people who helped me get the tables to and from the event tonight: Janine and her son. I gave Big Pink back to it's owners so now I'm toting 18 tables without the glory of a giant truck.
I made a scheduling error for tonight and tomorrow that I don't think I can fix
My invoicing website isn't letting people pay their invoices
I have to unload everything in my pink truck into my garage and then drive it to the owner's lot to leave there. That means I will be car-less. I downloaded Uber and it won't take my credit card or my debit card.
I have to be on the road at 3pm to go run my Kissimmee event
I am on hold with the invoicing company. They have no idea what is going on.
This is so weird. I am writing on a blog on which the last post I wrote was September 7, 2011. Since then, I stopped writing about my life and totally wrote about Orlando on the daily city. It's the first day of 2015. I do NOT commit to write in this once a day for the entire year. I commit to finishing this post.
Last night my boyfriend and my friend and I went to dinner at a fish restaurant. I had 3 drinks called "Snowballs" and a sampler plate. Afterwards, me and the BF came home and went straight to sleep because he had to work today.
This feels so weird, blogging about my life. Well, I have to say the *reason* I am doing this here is because I *don't* want to scurge up my Facebook newsfeed with "me me me" stuff. I will put it all here. Today at least.
So what I wanted to share, and what originally is the reason for me even coming back to this blog is that I wanted to share this moment in the Steven Sondheim bio show called "Six By Sondheim." In it, he tells a story about his mother writing him a note and having it hand delivered to him just before she went into the hospital for a major medical procedure. In it, she says her biggest regret was having him. I almost started crying. Watch it at 1:06:00 (one hour, six minutes).